Friday, October 31, 2008

Adik-adikku dengan Seragam Putih

Wajah-wajah itu berkerut dan penuh keraguan.

Mata yang cekung, pipi yang basah dengan air mata dan tubuh yang kurus lemah melayukan hatiku. Kenapa kalian begitu sedih dan takut sekali?

Itulah yang biasanya aku lihat tatkala memeriksa anak-anak kecil yang kurang bernasib baik berbanding yang seumur mereka. Mereka kesakitan. Mereka lemah. Mereka tak bebas. Mereka kelelahan.

Dan di setiap saat kami yang berseragam putih mengerumuni mereka. Waktu tidur, waktu bangun, waktu makan, seragam putih ini menyentuh dan ‘menyakiti’ mereka. Adegan traumatik bermula sejak menjejak punggung ke kasur bangsal. Tubuh dipegang, ditekan, dicubit, diketuk, kemudian ditambah dengan sakit dan gerun melihat jarum suntik yang rakus mengambil darah mereka, menusuk hujung jari mereka yang mulus, menembus subkutan mereka dan tetap di situ selama berhari-hari malahan berminggu. Tangan mereka yang mungil diplaster seperti mumia dan difiksasi dengan sebatang papan yang aneh sekali. Orang dewasa sendiri tak tahan diperlakukan sebegitu, apatah lagi mereka yang masih tak mengerti?

Maafkan kami adik-adikku yang comel. Maafkan kami kerana mengganggu tidurmu. Sedayanya kakak mengangkat tanganmu perlahan-lahan, menghitung nadimu selembut mungkin, menghitung nafasmu sefokus mungkin, memeriksa tekanan darahmu dengan tepat sekilat waktu. Kami tak berniat dan berusaha untuk tidak membuat kalian bersedih dan tidak selesa. Kami mahukan yang terbaik buat kalian. Datangnya kami menjenguk di hujung katil di setiap jam adalah untuk memeriksa keadaan kalian, supaya kalian cepat sembuh, supaya kalian tak lagi menangis, dan membuat ibu bapa kalian menangis di kemudian hari.

Kuatlah melawan penyakitmu! Minum susu banyak-banyak, rajin-rajin makan, jangan mengelak minum ubat, dan bermainlah bila kau bisa.

Semangatlah! Teruskanlah hidup! Berjuanglah demi Tuhan yang telah menciptakanmu, berkembanglah demi orang tua yang telah melahirkanmu, dan senyumlah demi kami, kalau kalian sudi. Cukuplah itu sebagai penebus keringat kami.

Cepatlah sembuh adik-adikku!


Thursday, October 16, 2008

We Plan, Allah Decides; We Guess, Allah Knows

The phrase proves to be too right when something happens to me recently. We can always hope for the best, but do we know what’s best for us?

Allah always knows. He knows what we feel, how sad and how frustrated we are with what happens to us.

This time I did something I feel right to do, but it affects me deeply. Before and after I did it, I keep questioning back my action. Should I do it? Is it right? Is it the last option?

It is so hard, it is too difficult, but it has to be done. When you feel the restlessness, you listen to the discouragements and hinders, you see the ‘do not enter’ sign, it’s hard to continue the journey. This might sound like giving up, but you know Allah never burden His servants. He shows the signs to guide us to the right path, and referring to the verse 216 in Al-Baqarah which said you might like something, but it may not good for you and the other way around. Again, Allah knows best.

It is hard; it’s too difficult to choose something you dislike, and to face it even more painful.

But Allah knows.

He is there, knowing what you feel, what you did and why you did it. Why face all the sorrow alone? This is the time to be near to Him, cry all you want to Him, tell everything you feel, how sad you are, how helpless you are. Ask for His forgiveness and His guidance with all your heart. There’s nothing He can’t give or do. So don’t be sad! You are seeing the best therapist, the best doctor, and the best of the best.

The past had passed away, and we would not know what the future brings.
But today is a present. Cherish it, fill it with the best you have!

Allah Knows by Zain Bhikha

When you feel all alone in this world
And there’s nobody to count your tears
Just remember, no matter where you are
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you carrying a monster load
And you wonder how far you can go
With every step on that road that you take
Allah knows
Allah knows

No matter what, inside or out
There’s one thing of which there’s no doubt
Allah knows
Allah knows
And whatever lies in the heavens and the earth
Every star in this whole universe
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you find that special someone
Feel your whole life has barely begun
You can walk on the moon, shout it to everyone
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you gaze with love in your eyes
Catch a glimpse of paradise
And you see your child take the first breath of life
Allah knows
Allah knows


When you lose someone close to your heart
See your whole world fall apart
And you try to go on but it seems so hard
Allah knows
Allah knows

You see we all have a path to choose
Through the valleys and hills we go
With the ups and the downs, never fret never frown
Allah knows
Allah knows


Every grain of sand,
In every desert land, He knows.
Every shade of palm,
Every closed hand, He knows.
Every sparkling tear,
On every eyelash, He knows.
Every thought I have,
And every word I share, He knows.
Allah knows


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Meaningful Days

Can't believe the holiday is coming to an end in a few more days. The days I've been having were far from what I've expected, or maybe of what I have hoped. Honestly, I was hoping that this Aidilfitri would be so 'meriah', getting to meet with everyone of my family members. But that dream was vanished when I get to know that only two other families is going to join us this first raya in Kampung Baru. Well, it's something to be thankful for, a lot better than having no family members with you during raya.

That night we went back to Melaka at Kuala Linggi, surprised to see Mak Syam was already there. Mak Syam is my mom's elder sister who usually get back in second or third raya when the turn comes for their first raya at her husband's kampung at Puchong. Because of illness, she was very sick last raya that she can't go beraya. Alhamdulillah this Aidilfitri, she seem a whole lot better despite of her illness and she manage to make a moderate raya preparation.

Allahyarham Pakcik Rahim with beige baju Melayu last year

Something I realized this raya is that we didn't go to visit as many houses we usually go in the previous years. I don't know why, but it seems like the spirit of raya kind a fade a little bit this year. In most of the visits, my dad is the only married guy in the group. My first aunt's husband had passed away last march due to chronic heart failure (Al-Faatihah for his soul) while Mak Syam's husband had to get back to Puchong in the first raya for a definite reason. One have been divorced and the other have a husband with no interest in visiting people he didn't know is also another reasons contributing to that condition.

I made another funny dream this raya - collecting the most duit raya I ever had! This also is far from achieved as I am so grown-up that I look like my mom's sister. There it goes again, seeing people awe-ing to the fact that I'm abah's daughter rather that his 'second wife'! I need to positive my mind thinking abah just look younger that his real age, and I'm as normal as my age. (Pleeeeassse don't say I look old for my age :( )

This seemed so negative all the way down, but do I feel terrible? No. I didn't get what I hope, but who am I to know what's best to hope for? I got more than what I could ever imagine.

My new house or should I say, my new HOME in section is a sweet surprise. It's not like I didn't know it's existence, it's just I was so ignorant before that I didn't have the interest of checking it out during it was constructed. I even slept in the car when the others even my youngest brother (Afiq) went in the under construction house. The first time I lay my eyes on it is from a couple of pictures ummi had sent via email. Having a rough image of it, I come to be impressed when I first saw it in front of me in the early Ramadhan. It's not big, simple, and classy-modern, even without fences and grasses at the compound(yet), I like it. Even though I felt a bit sad leaving my 'growing up' home in Section 19 that I stared to it for about 15 minutes (after performing tarawih prayers) recalling all the memories I have, as we lived 11 years in that house.

The best thing is to be so close to ummi. For all these years, being her daughter, I never been so close to her as we've been this holiday. Thanx to our new house as the biggest contributor, we became together a lot in tidying up the house, shopping for the furniture, discussing about the house decorations and interior designs, and a whole lot more talking about cooking, raya, her past, my future and many more. Getting to know more about someone whom you thought you already knew is amazing. It made me realize how neglectful I was of small tiny bit things that are so significant, so meaningful and so precious. There was one day where I made mango juice for breaking fast, and gave her a glass of it. She didn't even have a sip. I wonder...and with a smile she said, "I don't drink mango know how weird is my taste...". I was disappointed. Disappointed with myself. How can I not know this? If only I pay more attention before... I came to appreciate her more day by day. can I go back when things are going so good between us...? I can't imagine departing away from her... I love her so much!!!

I'm feeling so nervous about going back to Makassar. It's a new world. It's the real world. See u soon Makassar!