Now I Know Why They Said It's...- Episode 2

1.45pm
Selamat datang ke Rumah Sakit Ibu dan Anak Siti Fatimah!

2.00pm
Muka Chwi sungguh berseri-seri waktu menyampaikan penjelasan tugas-tugas yang bakal dipindahkan ke bahu kami berdua (Ainul dan aku) selama seminggu ini. Ohoho…

2.30pm
Perawat di sampingku menyapaku sambil tersenyum.
“Akak yang gantikan untuk minggu ni ye?”. Aku tersenyum mengangguk.
Dia menyambung, “Kakak itu (sambil menunjuk ke arah Chwi) tak pernah tidur tau...!”
Ohohoho…

3.00pm
Sambil mengintai-intai 11 baby-baby yang bermasalah kat kamar bayi, aku still blur2 ape nak buat. Nak kate kena follow-up, satu je yg kena follow-up. Mane sibuknya? Santai je...biar betul...

5.00pm
”Meh makan...adik koas, dah pernah try kapurung?” perawat mengajak kami yang terpinga-pinga.
”Kapurung? Ape tu?”
Ternyata kapurung ni besh jugak! Habis 3 pinggan! Waduh2...asyiknye kalo macam ni terus!

6.00pm
Ada tiga partus! What??? Tiga sekaligus?
Ape patut aku buat??! Ohohohoho....(sambil berlari-lari ke kamar bersalin)

6.15pm
Aduh...camne nak pegang baby ni...mati anak orang karang...
Okay, timbang, ukur-ukur-ukur, suntik, bungkus, bagi die menyusu ngan mama die, dan tulis status yang panjang gile...
hmmm....
Caput succadenum?
Refleks moro?
Expiratory grunting?
H/L?
APA ITU???

Hari itu berjalan begitu perlahan….mcm orang bercinta, sehari bagaikan setahun! semuanya kelihatan sangat kabur.

From that nite and on, kami belajar satu-persatu perkara yang tugas perlu kami buat kat sini which consist of:

1 - Setiap pagi bermula jam 2 am kami kena tulis status semua pasien untuk follow-up esok harinya...



2 – Starting 5am after performing Subuh prayer, kami kena telanjangkan baby dan timbang mereka sume!!! Hehe But there’s a catch! Sambil telanjangkan, baby2 ni boleh jadi baru buang air kecil atau besar...huhu So kamilah kena bersihkan...ohoho Apepun depa tetap cute!!!

3 – Follow up! TNPS are modified to HrPS which stands for Heart Rate-Pernafasan-Suhu. Every baby tau! Tanye jugak dah brape kali buang air besar, warna apa, kencing smoothy tak(hihi), tengok tali pusat die basah atau kering and ada tanda2 inflammation tak…okay?

4 – Pastu around 8am doktor akan dating utk visite (ward round). Turun naik pusing-pusing…tulis resep(for medications) dan pengantar lab…anything the patients need, we’re here to serve!



5 – Back to kamar bayi, doktor akan isi status dengan instructions. Sambil tu kite buat jadual susu for all the babies kat kamar bayi. Jangan lupe berat badan baby, because the nurses need that to suit them with their milk!

6 – Sometimes kena buat parenteral feeding utk baby yang kena puasa. Baby ni dipuasakan sbb die sesak, distress pernafasan, cannot drink thru mouth. So alternatively, thru infuse. Makanan die ni consist of certain ingredients which have been calculated by the doctor. So keje kami adalah membuat parenteral food ni…senang? Bukan mcm buat air sirap tau…need full concentration and patience! Satu kesilapan can cost u a fortune! Seriously! (ada sejarah sebenarnye…) Wanna try? ohoho

7 – Sepanjang hari, we need to check at the labour room every half-an-hour for any spontaneous partus(normal labour) or sectio saesarian (operation labour). Pada hari2 santai, partus boleh menghantar sehingga10 bayi2 ke kamar bayi! Terima kasih doktor2 obgyn! ;)

8 – Sambut bayi, suction2, timbang dan ukur, buat APGAR dan BALLARD die (which are complicated to be explain here…next time maybe k…), resepkan neo-K (vit. K penting utk baby baru lahir utk cegah perdarahan) dan suntik intra-muskular, bungkus, bagi mak die utk menyusu! (Fuuuh…! Selesai satu baby!)

So basically itula keje wajib kami kat Fatimah. List di atas tak termasuk keje2 tambahan tak berbayar yang sebenarnye bukan keje kami. They are:

1 – Bagi baby minum susu. For newborn babies, sgt tak digalakkan bagi minum susu pakai botol susu sbb ini boleh ganggu pertumbuhan rahang depa, so kena bagi either using small spoo n or spoit (picagari). Tak tersangka, kesabaran yg tingi diperlukan utk menyempurnakan kerja ni hanya utk seorg baby. Apatah lagi 10 babies!!! Thank God I’m not a nurse!



2 – Menyambut bayi adalah keje seorg nurse kebidanan, not a co-ass. Tapi pernahlah satu hari, nurse2 ni tiba2 menghilang! So ape lagi, kamilah yg ditunjuk. Nasib baik dh pernah tgk byk kali sangat…so takdela kekok. Aku pakai apron, sarung tangan sterile, tadah sarung (kain batik), sambut baby, bersih dan keringkan, rawat tali pusat dan bungkus!

Some moments yang tak terlupakan:

1 – There’s one day, semua doktor residen anak ada exam nasional, so kami ditinggalkan tergantung tanpa tali! Kalau ada pape, all up to our heads and hands… Oh noooo!
Nak dijadikan cerita, hari tu lah yg paling hectic! That day lah ada banyak SC, time tulah ada patient gemelli (kembar) which is very prone to pathological condition due to their size and their mother’s strength to give birth to two babies… So there I am, waiting in full curiousity, what will happen to the babies? When the first baby is out, cepat2 kitorg bawa ke kamar bayi, suction, rangsang taktil…thank God after a few seconds die pun menangis…then baby kedua…after 15 minutes die still tanak kuar! Ibu…semangat bu! Kuat!!! Aku rase aku yg paling nervous dlm bilik tu sbb in my mind, kalau baby tu mati, I’ll be dead too! Huhu Alhamdulillah, again, after a long few minutes, the second baby keluar sendiri walaupun before that try pakai vacuum tak berjaya…at the end, both babies selamat dan sihat… :)

2 – Melihat ibu2 yang bakal bersalin. Gelagat mereka: unforgettable! When people are in pain, they tend to do unimaginable things such as crying like a baby, making funny faces, and even being in a position which seems like a horse or a cow. Seriously…even it’s not supposed to be laughed at, it’s too funny! I’m sorry to that particular person for laughing at her, I didn’t mean to, but in an absent mind with a very exhausting body, we kind a searching for entertainment in everything. Our bad! Really sorry…

3 – Opposite to d above, it’s very warming and heart-felt to see a mother’s reaction looking at her baby for the first time…there’s no word for it…what I know is that they are the happiest person at that time…I hope one day I will experience something like that, the moment of my life…insyaAllah…

3 – My moments with the babies! I love everything about them! Their faces, their cries, their smells, their skins, their chuckles…owh, aren’t they the cutest thing?!!



As conclusion, I can say this might be the most exhausting week in my life!
Stressful, painful(literally) until it leaves a mark at my foot! (after that kaki aku sakit selama seminggu di LB, time cek doktor, doktor ckp aku maybe kena gout arthritis…how serious is that??)
Kat sane kitorg betul2 emotionally challenged! Bile2 je boleh rase nak mengamuk, rase nak nangis (dh nangis dh pun…), rase nak buat muke…tp alhamdulillah, Allah beri kekuatan di sebalik setiap kekurangan.
We become more mature, more stabilized in emotional control, smarter in making our choises; lepas ni jgn pilih Fatimah lagi!! huhu

RSIA Fatimah dah memahatkan kenangan signifikan dlm minda dan hati ini…I’ll use what it taught, I’ll leave what’s painful, I’ll keep what it gave as a unique present…

And now I know why they said it's STRESSFUL at pediatric department!

IMAN NAILAH 2008
noradrenaline2001@yhaoo.com

Susahnyer Tag Kali ni...

I've been tagged by Muhammad Shafiq Mansor!

Here are the rules:

1.List these rules on your blog.

2.Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog.

3.Tell 7 unspectacular quirks on yours.

4.Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to
their blogs.

5.Link the person who tagged you.

6.Leave a comment for each blogger.

Allrite...

7 facts about me:

1. My name is Nurul Iman binti Abdul Rahim. It's a common name in Malaysia, but seemed odd in the place I'm studying now. Everytime I pronounce my name, they'll repeat it as 'Imen' = 'E-men' and it ends up as 'Imeng'. They kept on saying it's a guy's name! So what? I like it!

2. I live in Shah Alam Selangor. I never live outside Selangor all my life except while I'm in Londang Matriculation and here in Makassar. So basically I'm a true Selangorian! Nyanyi sket..."Duli yang makan durian..selamat di atas pokok..." oops...that is THE OTHER version...sorry...my bad...

3. I'm a year younger than my academic level(at least for Msian level) just because I passed the PTS exam. So I got to 'lompat' from standard 3 straight to standard 5! No strings attached! hehe So people would say I seem more mature from my age...but what do u expect? I'm living a year older from my real age! But the great thing about it is I got to finish earlier than the people around me, and I'm still young when I marries! (what so great about that???)

4. I have a really nice family and I'm so thankful for it! It's just perfect as the way it is...I mean for us...for me at least...it's just beautiful how Allah had created everything so detailed and so harmony together...the goods and the faults, all created to be completed. :)

5. I love art...any kinds of art. I can judge what's nice, what's not, at least through my arty-eyes.(arty - is there such a word? whatever...)

6. I'm living with two beloved seniors. They're the best! Can't say more...it's just a great fate to end-up with them in this small home of ours.

7. I was born on January 25th, 1987 in Louisiana, USA, but lived there for only 1 year so i don't have the tiniest memory while I'm there.

7 unspectacular quirks on me:

1. I hate Medic! Is it too obvious? Hehe maybe I did hate it, but now after entering clinical life, it's a turning point in my life...i come to attach to it! I'm loving it!

2. I'm a very very forgetful person. So forgive me for forgetting ur birthday, or where u'r studying rite now, or even ur name! So sorry...didn't mean it...I'm trying my best to remember every detail...huhuhu

3. I'm a hopeless romantic. I hate to be one, but admit it...I am. huhu

4. I eat everything! (except for the harams of course!) U name it, I can insert it into my body, but of course I have some kind of appetite. I do choose, I do reject, but I can b DBKL(as my father name me) when I wanna be. (DBKL with all this bones? Are u kidding me???)

5. Some survey said I'm a judgemental person. Am I? Mybe I am. My best friend agrees with this. huhu

6. I've a lot of traumatic events in my life. I've my eyebrow stitched, I knock my forehead until it form a concave on my frontal bone, my face once swollen until I can hardly open my eyes, I let my feets get poked by hundreds of sea-porcupines spikes, and many more unfortunate events...

7. Ape lagi ek? Hmmmmmm....well, actually I'm a heart-breaker. I don't wanna be, but it's just written in my fate. I hope I don't have to do it again...

7 people I'm tagging:
Kak Najwa, Maimanah, Muh. Idris, Kak Halaa, Nurul Izzah, Addin, Maisarah.

:)

Now I Know Why They Said It's... - Episode 1

The tension starts to rise around me...

Fourth week of pediatrics, my first perception was so wrong.

It was MIX subdivision, consist of Nephrology(kidney), Neurology(nerves) and Nutrition. This week there are 11 co-ass(med students) submitted in this subdivision, and that number is more than enough to handle the only two patients of Nephrotic Syndrome.

So I took it for granted.

I came later than usual, about 20 minutes later that we're supposed to be.

I spent most of the times in the co-ass room, the discussion room, the canteen, the policlinic and other places rather than the second floor's 'meja batu'(co-ass’ station).

I read for a glance about Nephrotic Syndrome and Acute Nephritic Syndrome, but didn't make the time to read the patient's status.

At that point, I started to hate MIX subdivision for being so boring and giving less motivation for me to study. I need something adventurous, something much more demanding, and much more interesting to pump my excitement to learn.

Then on Thursday afternoon while hanging around at the 'meja batu', suddenly Dr. Hery came and asked us about our patient. He asked us, but his eyes are focusing on me. I felt cold. My mouth made some move, but there's no sound coming out. Other people kept on answering the questions for me. It was not obvious, but it's so embarrassing for me. It's too disappointing.

He left after giving some advice to study and learn the patients' status. That was like an alarm waking me up. I NEED TO STUDY!!!

With the new spirit burning inside me, I went home and planned to study. I made a simple slide for the next day's presentation, and that night I brought my laptop to my night-shift on-call, with the intention to study.

Again, I was asked to be in PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) for the 5th time, this week only. FYI, being in PICU means there's no sleep while you're in there. Rest is possible if there's no patient to be follow-up every 15 minutes which is very uncommon. So taking care for PICU patients at night-shift is actually a nightmare for most of us. But as a co-ass, what else can you ask for?

While in there, I managed to study a few slides and learned a lot from a nice discussion with Dr. Hery. At 2.30am, I left PICU to exchange shift and move to follow-up in Lontara 4(the 3rd class pediatric ward). I planned to study the nephrology patients but I don't seem to have the time with all the follow-up and the decreasing of the waking mind.

At 6.30am, I left to clean and change for office hour.

Now I'm starting to feel the pressure. This morning it was planned that I need to present the presentation about Macronutrient which I have the slightest idea of it. Moreover, I heard the doctor that will be the moderator likes to point to anybody to answer any question. Having the thought of it only made me feel nauseous. I keep on reading the nutrition book my friend brought, trying to memorize every important detail.
There’s:
essential amino acids,
non-essential amino acids and
conditionally-essential amino acids.
So essential amino acids needed to be taken because they’re not produced in the body, while the non-essentials are.
But what does conditionally mean???
And there’s phenylalanine, arginine, glycine, glutamine, lycine…
But which is which???

At the same time, I realized that the residents will ask about the mix patients. So I tried to read the status but my mind felt too saturated. NS and ANS become too confusing.
NS have proteinuria.
ANS can too.
But NS's is massive.
How would I know if it's massive or just more???

The more I read, the more confused I became. : (

Then suddenly we had ward round for mix patients. This time, I was the focus of arrows. The questions were all aimed to me, and I hesitated. I managed to answer some, but failed at most.

Oooh...this is bad.

Tomorrow I'll be going to Rumah Sakit Bersalin Fatimah, and I know too less to be near ready.

Now I'm too tired, but I really need to study.
Oooh...only Allah knows how sleepy I am rite now.
I know what I need. I need sleep.

IMAN NAILAH 2008

noradrenaline2001@yahoo.com

Just Love Them!

Adik-adikku dengan Seragam Putih

Wajah-wajah itu berkerut dan penuh keraguan.

Mata yang cekung, pipi yang basah dengan air mata dan tubuh yang kurus lemah melayukan hatiku. Kenapa kalian begitu sedih dan takut sekali?

Itulah yang biasanya aku lihat tatkala memeriksa anak-anak kecil yang kurang bernasib baik berbanding yang seumur mereka. Mereka kesakitan. Mereka lemah. Mereka tak bebas. Mereka kelelahan.

Dan di setiap saat kami yang berseragam putih mengerumuni mereka. Waktu tidur, waktu bangun, waktu makan, seragam putih ini menyentuh dan ‘menyakiti’ mereka. Adegan traumatik bermula sejak menjejak punggung ke kasur bangsal. Tubuh dipegang, ditekan, dicubit, diketuk, kemudian ditambah dengan sakit dan gerun melihat jarum suntik yang rakus mengambil darah mereka, menusuk hujung jari mereka yang mulus, menembus subkutan mereka dan tetap di situ selama berhari-hari malahan berminggu. Tangan mereka yang mungil diplaster seperti mumia dan difiksasi dengan sebatang papan yang aneh sekali. Orang dewasa sendiri tak tahan diperlakukan sebegitu, apatah lagi mereka yang masih tak mengerti?

Maafkan kami adik-adikku yang comel. Maafkan kami kerana mengganggu tidurmu. Sedayanya kakak mengangkat tanganmu perlahan-lahan, menghitung nadimu selembut mungkin, menghitung nafasmu sefokus mungkin, memeriksa tekanan darahmu dengan tepat sekilat waktu. Kami tak berniat dan berusaha untuk tidak membuat kalian bersedih dan tidak selesa. Kami mahukan yang terbaik buat kalian. Datangnya kami menjenguk di hujung katil di setiap jam adalah untuk memeriksa keadaan kalian, supaya kalian cepat sembuh, supaya kalian tak lagi menangis, dan membuat ibu bapa kalian menangis di kemudian hari.

Kuatlah melawan penyakitmu! Minum susu banyak-banyak, rajin-rajin makan, jangan mengelak minum ubat, dan bermainlah bila kau bisa.

Semangatlah! Teruskanlah hidup! Berjuanglah demi Tuhan yang telah menciptakanmu, berkembanglah demi orang tua yang telah melahirkanmu, dan senyumlah demi kami, kalau kalian sudi. Cukuplah itu sebagai penebus keringat kami.

Cepatlah sembuh adik-adikku!



IMANNAILAH 2008
noradrenaline2001@yahoo.com

We Plan, Allah Decides; We Guess, Allah Knows

The phrase proves to be too right when something happens to me recently. We can always hope for the best, but do we know what’s best for us?

Allah always knows. He knows what we feel, how sad and how frustrated we are with what happens to us.

This time I did something I feel right to do, but it affects me deeply. Before and after I did it, I keep questioning back my action. Should I do it? Is it right? Is it the last option?

It is so hard, it is too difficult, but it has to be done. When you feel the restlessness, you listen to the discouragements and hinders, you see the ‘do not enter’ sign, it’s hard to continue the journey. This might sound like giving up, but you know Allah never burden His servants. He shows the signs to guide us to the right path, and referring to the verse 216 in Al-Baqarah which said you might like something, but it may not good for you and the other way around. Again, Allah knows best.

It is hard; it’s too difficult to choose something you dislike, and to face it even more painful.

But Allah knows.

He is there, knowing what you feel, what you did and why you did it. Why face all the sorrow alone? This is the time to be near to Him, cry all you want to Him, tell everything you feel, how sad you are, how helpless you are. Ask for His forgiveness and His guidance with all your heart. There’s nothing He can’t give or do. So don’t be sad! You are seeing the best therapist, the best doctor, and the best of the best.

The past had passed away, and we would not know what the future brings.
But today is a present. Cherish it, fill it with the best you have!

Allah Knows by Zain Bhikha

When you feel all alone in this world
And there’s nobody to count your tears
Just remember, no matter where you are
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you carrying a monster load
And you wonder how far you can go
With every step on that road that you take
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS
No matter what, inside or out
There’s one thing of which there’s no doubt
Allah knows
Allah knows
And whatever lies in the heavens and the earth
Every star in this whole universe
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you find that special someone
Feel your whole life has barely begun
You can walk on the moon, shout it to everyone
Allah knows
Allah knows

When you gaze with love in your eyes
Catch a glimpse of paradise
And you see your child take the first breath of life
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS

When you lose someone close to your heart
See your whole world fall apart
And you try to go on but it seems so hard
Allah knows
Allah knows

You see we all have a path to choose
Through the valleys and hills we go
With the ups and the downs, never fret never frown
Allah knows
Allah knows

CHORUS (x2)

BRIDGE:
Every grain of sand,
In every desert land, He knows.
Every shade of palm,
Every closed hand, He knows.
Every sparkling tear,
On every eyelash, He knows.
Every thought I have,
And every word I share, He knows.
Allah knows

IMANNAILAH 2008
noradrenaline2001@yahoo.com

Meaningful Days

Can't believe the holiday is coming to an end in a few more days. The days I've been having were far from what I've expected, or maybe of what I have hoped. Honestly, I was hoping that this Aidilfitri would be so 'meriah', getting to meet with everyone of my family members. But that dream was vanished when I get to know that only two other families is going to join us this first raya in Kampung Baru. Well, it's something to be thankful for, a lot better than having no family members with you during raya.

That night we went back to Melaka at Kuala Linggi, surprised to see Mak Syam was already there. Mak Syam is my mom's elder sister who usually get back in second or third raya when the turn comes for their first raya at her husband's kampung at Puchong. Because of illness, she was very sick last raya that she can't go beraya. Alhamdulillah this Aidilfitri, she seem a whole lot better despite of her illness and she manage to make a moderate raya preparation.

Allahyarham Pakcik Rahim with beige baju Melayu last year

Something I realized this raya is that we didn't go to visit as many houses we usually go in the previous years. I don't know why, but it seems like the spirit of raya kind a fade a little bit this year. In most of the visits, my dad is the only married guy in the group. My first aunt's husband had passed away last march due to chronic heart failure (Al-Faatihah for his soul) while Mak Syam's husband had to get back to Puchong in the first raya for a definite reason. One have been divorced and the other have a husband with no interest in visiting people he didn't know is also another reasons contributing to that condition.

I made another funny dream this raya - collecting the most duit raya I ever had! This also is far from achieved as I am so grown-up that I look like my mom's sister. There it goes again, seeing people awe-ing to the fact that I'm abah's daughter rather that his 'second wife'! I need to positive my mind thinking abah just look younger that his real age, and I'm as normal as my age. (Pleeeeassse don't say I look old for my age :( )

This seemed so negative all the way down, but do I feel terrible? No. I didn't get what I hope, but who am I to know what's best to hope for? I got more than what I could ever imagine.

My new house or should I say, my new HOME in section is a sweet surprise. It's not like I didn't know it's existence, it's just I was so ignorant before that I didn't have the interest of checking it out during it was constructed. I even slept in the car when the others even my youngest brother (Afiq) went in the under construction house. The first time I lay my eyes on it is from a couple of pictures ummi had sent via email. Having a rough image of it, I come to be impressed when I first saw it in front of me in the early Ramadhan. It's not big, simple, and classy-modern, even without fences and grasses at the compound(yet), I like it. Even though I felt a bit sad leaving my 'growing up' home in Section 19 that I stared to it for about 15 minutes (after performing tarawih prayers) recalling all the memories I have, as we lived 11 years in that house.

The best thing is to be so close to ummi. For all these years, being her daughter, I never been so close to her as we've been this holiday. Thanx to our new house as the biggest contributor, we became together a lot in tidying up the house, shopping for the furniture, discussing about the house decorations and interior designs, and a whole lot more talking about cooking, raya, her past, my future and many more. Getting to know more about someone whom you thought you already knew is amazing. It made me realize how neglectful I was of small tiny bit things that are so significant, so meaningful and so precious. There was one day where I made mango juice for breaking fast, and gave her a glass of it. She didn't even have a sip. I wonder...and with a smile she said, "I don't drink mango juice...you know how weird is my taste...". I was disappointed. Disappointed with myself. How can I not know this? If only I pay more attention before... I came to appreciate her more day by day. Ohh...how can I go back when things are going so good between us...? I can't imagine departing away from her... I love her so much!!!

I'm feeling so nervous about going back to Makassar. It's a new world. It's the real world. See u soon Makassar!

IMANNAILAH 2008
noradrenaline2001@yahoo.com

Malaysia...here I am!

Assalamu'alaikum wbt...

Alhamdulillah, in Malaysia I am...
gathered again with my beloved family! :)

To all my friends in Malaysia, be sure to meet me during Raya k!
This is not a promise, but a hope...
by the way, we've moved to Seksyen 8, Shah Alam!
Our house is still under construction, some finishing and furnishing...
Hope it will be done before Raya...(will it? doubt it looking at the way it is now...huhu)

An important announcement: It might be quite difficult to ctc me thru friendster and YM due to no internet service(yet) in my house. So my blog is gonna be inactive for quite sometimes...hope not for long... :)

Well, can't wait to see everybody especially my best buddies...
Love to here from all of you...
Wallahu'alam.

Oh Ramadhan...you're back! :)

Ramadhan comes to our door once again...

Let's open the door with a bright honest smile...

Let's serve the guest with a nice preparation: the drink of ikhlas and the meal of ibadah...

Let's read to him the recitation of ayatul Quran, zikrullah and prayers to the Most Merciful...

Let him sleep on our bed while we perform qiam in the silent 1/3 of the night...

Let's bring him to places like masjid and madrasah...

Let it mingle with our family so that they can feel his warmness...

Let's send him back with a great satisfaction, and hoping his Lord will grant us with the Lailatul Qadar and the best - a ticket to the Jannah

~IMANNAILAH 2008~
noradrenaline2001@yahoo.com

Monolog Hati yang Berkelana

Pemandangan di samping rumah Pak Desa, di tempat aku sering mencurah rasa di catatan harian

Subuh yang dihias bunyian unggas membelai hatiku yang kesepian. Sendiri dalam jiwa biar ditemai 12 lagi teman posko yang ceria dan mesra, sering berjaya mencuit hatiku. Keletah setiap satu dari mereka membuktikan ragam manusia memang menjadi perencah dunia bagai rempah ratusan yang memeriahkan rasa, dan bagai bunga pelbagai warna yang mengindah panorama. Tapi siapkah aku mencicip rempah yang pedas? Atau memetik bunga berduri?

Inilah hakikat insani.

Hadirnya aku di desa ini adalah melangkah ke kota baru. Tetapnya aku di sini adalah cabaran penuh berliku. Rupanya menetap tiu lebih susah dari terus berubah. Kerana insan di sekitarku berbeza, andai aku tak teguh, aku akan hanyut bersamanya. Kota ini ibarat sarang labah-labah, andai aku baik dengan tuannya, mudahlah aku berkelana. Hubungan yang rapuh bisa mengorbankan diri sendiri.

Persoalannya, kuatkah aku mengharung badai hati sekencang angin di pinggiran bendang? Badai sering mendorongku ke kebun lalai dan alpa yang nantinya memerangkapku di jerat cinta. Berbaur dengan teman bukan muhrim cukup menguji.

Tujuh minggu tinggal serumah, tegakah imanku?

Auratmu yang cuma membenarkan wajah dan pergelangan tangan diperlihatkan, mampukah dipelihara?

Ikhtilat dan pergaulan makin biasa menjelang seminggu bersama, relakah meroboh segala tembok maluku?

Sabar! Di sinilah perisai jiwaku teruji, dengan segala kepayahan dan keganjilan yang belum pernah kulalui, tahankah amarahku?

Zahirnya KKN cuma sekadar berprogram dan beraktiviti si desa-desa, tapi batinku yang teruji. Payahnya menjaga hati dan iman, apalagi kepunyaan teman-temanku...

Wahai diri, janganlah berfikir amanahku cuma hatiku, tapi hati-hati yang kekeosongan di poskoku harus juga aku kenal pasti. Bagai perut yang kosong tak diisi makanan, pasti bakal pedih. Mata kail yang sering dilempar ke dalam parit pasti mengait sampah.

Akulah doktornya. Aku harus menjadi doktor jasmani dan rohani. Mengambil berat pada yang kurang gizi dan yang kurang mengaji. Memberi nasihat kepada pasien berlebihan berat badan dan pasien berlebihan hiburan. Memberi ubat kepada yang sakit kaki dan yang sakit hati. Tapi jelas, tak mudah menjadi doktor ini. Perlu peringatan dan pegangan, itulah Al-Quran dan As-Sunnah. Juga teman yang sering mengingatkan, yang menarikku saat ku hanyut, yang memapahku saat ku lelah.

Wahai diri, usahamu tak bererti bila ia bukan dari hati dan hasilnya tak dihargai bila usahamu bagai menyepak pasir di jalanan....

(Monolog ini ditulis sewaktu berperang dengan godaan nafsu dan kelelahan iman, semoga dapat menjadi peringatan buat yang bakal berkelana di kemudian hari...)